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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29375550">Slipping</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmieSage/pseuds/EmmieSage'>EmmieSage</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Community (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Blood, Cutting, F/M, I'm Sorry, My mind may be fucked up, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, You Have Been Warned, suicide ideation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:15:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,557</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29375550</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmieSage/pseuds/EmmieSage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during English as a Second Language after Jeff has confronted Annie in front of the study group. </p><p>Annie struggles to deal with ruining her relationship with the group which leads to an old, bad habit and an emotional breakdown. Trigger warning for self-harm, cutting, blood and suicide ideation.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Slipping</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Trigger warning: includes depictions of self-harm, cutting, blood, suicide ideation and depression.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She could feel her heart banging in her chest. Her breathing was shallow and quick. She tried her best to dodge the other students and she sped down the hallway but wasn’t very successful as tears clouded her eyes. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t lose another group of friends, she couldn’t be alone again. It had happened before but this time it was different. Because this time it was actually her fault. </p><p>Annie slammed her car door shut and immediately hunched over, covering her face with her hands and tightly gripping her scalp. How had she been so stupid? Replaying the day’s events, she wondered why she had ever thought turning in Chang had been a good idea. Even if the study had never found out, it was such an awful thing to do to people who she considered to be her friends, maybe even her surrogate family. Losing them as friends would have been bad, but this was a million times worse. Because now they knew and they hated her for it. Remembering the furious look on Jeff’s face as he yelled at her cause the panic to rise in her chest. She had to get out of here. </p><p>“That’s right Annie. Run away from your problems like you always do,” criticised that little voice in her head that never seemed to go away. Annie felt numb as she drove. In all honesty she wasn’t really sure how she made it back to her apartment. However, as she stumbled through the door and dumped her bag on the floor she didn’t feel any sense of relief. Her apartment had always been a place of comfort for her, even if it was pretty crappy, because it was something that she had achieved herself and was just hers. Not today. </p><p>Her mind wouldn’t stop racing and she absentmindedly ran her fingers through her hair, pulling at the strands to the point of being mildly painful. Annie closed her eyes. The pain travelled through her scalp and her thoughts slowed slightly as she focused on it. In a way it felt right. She wanted to feel the pain, or at least take it out of her head and make it physical. It was what she deserved after all, for being such a horrible, selfish friend. Letting go of her hair, Annie raised her hand, curled it into a fist and brought it down with a dull thud on her head. This hurt more than the hair pulling. She brought her fist down again and again, until her whole scalp was aching and she felt dizzy. The pain had helped distract her from her thoughts but it wasn’t enough. For the first time, Annie felt the urge to do something she hadn’t done since rehab. </p><p>As she sat down on her bed, Annie let her tears fall freely. There wasn’t any point in stopping them now. Reaching over to her nightstand, she yanked open a small draw and fished out a small shard of pointed plastic. She held it in her hand, examining it for a moment. Her breathing slowed and became more controlled as her previous panicked state was calmed by the presence of the object. It wasn’t the first time since moving to her apartment and starting at Greendale that she had taken the little piece of plastic out of her draw to look at it, but it was the first time that she actively intended to use it. Actually, she hadn’t used it since before rehab. Had promised herself that she wouldn’t. But what use was that now, when she had screwed everything up so badly. </p><p>She turned the piece over in her fingers, staring intently at the way the light shone through its jagged and cracked surface. It was a shard from the backing of a necklace Annie had dropped sometime during her junior year. When she had picked it up off the floor, her thumb had accidentally grazed over one of its edges which was sharp enough to slip through her skin, even at such a slight touch. Droplet spilled from the tiny cut and though it stung, Annie couldn’t deny the little release it gave her. The stinging slightly subdued her ever racing minded. Subconsciously she knew that she should have thrown that useless shard out with the rest of the necklace, but something compelled her to keep it. The same feeling that had convinced her to bring it when she moved out. And that was how it had started.  </p><p>Part of her knew that it was wrong, that it was a problem, a crutch that she didn’t really want to lean on again. But then the words that Jeff had shouted at her and all those disappointed expressions came flooding back. Her face contorted as she remembered everything that she had lost, that she had ruined and suddenly, overwhelmingly, she needed that release she had once depended on. Without even thinking, Annie held up her left fore-arm and slid the plastic across her bare skin. First it was just one tiny cut, then another and another. Annie gasped at the sensation and bit her lip as she watched blood bead up through her cuts and roll down her arm. A few droplets turned into a small but steady stream. Annie stopped moving her right hand and watched as it nearly reached her elbow. Reality didn’t feel real. Was she still even real? Her thoughts stopped and all she could focus on was her arm. Had blood really always been this pretty? She hadn’t noticed before. </p><p>A stray blood drop caught her attention as it dripped off of her arm and onto her quilt cover. Annie stood up, her actions completely mechanical. Without even looking back at the blood stain Annie walked into the joint bathroom, the only other room in the apartment. Her eyes never left her arm and her right hand clutched the plastic as though her life depended on it. Pain was shooting from her right thumb and pointer finger as the shard pierced the skin. </p><p>Tiles. Blood couldn’t get on the carpet. But tiles were good. Easy to clean. Wash away any evidence that it had happened. So she didn’t have to feel guilty later. She always felt guilty after. She shouldn’t feel guilty should she? It was her decision. No one was forcing her. Her choice to make a bad choice. Her choice to fuck up her own life. Was it possible to feel guilty about feeling guilty? </p><p>By the time Annie had reached the sink most of the blood had stopped flowing. Some of it was even beginning to dry to her skin. That wouldn’t do. The pain couldn’t end now. She didn’t deserve it to end yet. With a shaky hand she placed the plastic underneath the last cut and sliced, this time with more force than she expected. She gasped as the blood started up again, faster this time. It dripped onto her white tiles. She was about to do another when she glanced up and caught her own reflection in the mirror. She froze. </p><p>The sight of her looking so disheveled; hair completely messed up, eyes bloodshot and red covering her hands and arms, triggered a memory. Suddenly she was 17 again, stressed out of her mind, completely exhausted from all the pressure placed on her and reliant on pills just to get through the day. Seeing herself back in a position that she vowed she would never be in again broke something inside Annie. She screamed. She couldn’t stand to look at herself anymore so she pushed the mirror with a closed fist. Glass flew across the tiny bathroom and littered the floor. Some of it must have cut her hand but she didn’t care. She just needed this feeling to go away. </p><p>Ever since she was a little girl, already being expected to get the highest grades, Annie had a strong desire to vanish. She wanted something to swallow her up and take her out of her situation. It wasn’t quite that she wanted to die, more that she wanted to cease living. To have never even existed in the first place. </p><p>Annie, who had strived for control in every aspect of her life, lost it. She was no longer in control of her actions as her emotions boiled over to the point where she could no longer cope with them. She wanted to destroy something, anything. She squeezed her eyes closed as she ripped at her hair with one hand and hit the sink with the other. The plastic shard lay on the ground, forgotten. Annie screamed and sobbed openly, letting out all those years when she had pushed down all the hurt and self-loathing. As she brought her fists down on anything she could make contact with, she stepped on a stray piece of glass and slipped. She fell onto the floor, her head connecting with the sink basin on her way down resulting in a loud thud and stars to burst behind her eyes. She laid her throbbing head on her shoulder and curled up as tightly as she could. </p><p>Being both physically and mentally drained, Annie wondered how in the world things had ended up this bad. How did she allow this to happen? She closed her eyes.</p>
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